Living with Bradley Walsh

Now I’m a big fan of Bradley Walsh don’t get me wrong, and I’m partial to a bit of the chase myself.

However living with a four year old Bradley walsh can at times become unbearable.

This all started a couple of years ago, our two year old for some unknown reason (strong suspicions it was grandad) became obsessed with the chase. Everyday, every minute you would hear dunsadun dunsadun dunsa dunsa dun dun hello welcome to the chase.. chance win a thousand pounds..

Sometimes I can still hear it when I close my eyes at night.

Anyway this lasted for a good few months and slowly petered out, after the wrap party was finished we thought that phase of our lives was now over.

That was until recently, now I don’t know why this has happened or what we have done to deserve this, I can only imagine he has been so bored out of his mind at home that he has taken it upon himself to become the family entertainer, but nonetheless we have seen the return of Bradley.

This time however we have Bradley 2.0, a much more sophisticated and eloquent version who now pronounces most words correctly and understands the format of his own show. And to our joyous surprise not only do we have Bradley but also Ben Shephard living under our roof. Yes that’s right quiz fans tipping point is now also a firm favourite (tenable did have a look in but fortunately for us didn’t make the grade).

What makes it all worse is that I am no longer even allowed to be a contestant, the iPad has taken over these duties as he meticulously selects the right moment to pause the video on the four contestants up for slaughter on todays show. He’s even made his own stand for authenticity to ensure the visage is not ruined for us.

So that’s it, Dunsa dun is well and truly back and doesnt look like it’s going anywhere in a hurry.

I guess all that’s left to say really is if somehow my 16th follower ends up being you Bradley Walsh, watch your back because I know a very charming and handsome adversary who is gunning for the ITV teatime slot..

A Childs Mind

Today I think I’ll play with fireman Sam
But whats for breakfast? Oh look some carpet ham
I’m sure mummy will try to make me eat toast
Hang on, did you hear that it must be the post
Wait a minute there’s Ryder with chase and the crew
Quick everybody move i need the loo
I hope mummies got more of that ham that I crave
Hey daddy tonight in the bath I want a super big wave
Now let’s just watch a video or two
Whilst I trample all over this giant shoe
Wait what was that a buzzy bee I think
Hold on, where did I leave my drink?

Oh yeah I forgot I was playing fireman Sam, I’ll get right back to it after I’ve got me some ham..

To the beach baby

We’ve all seen the crazy scenes recently of beaches filled with joyous folk just set free from their Covid-19 bunkers.

And anyone who has visited a beach will tell you that those pesky seagulls can cause some serious havoc.

I therefore offer a simple solution to the problem from my at the time two year old son. Such clever wisdom beyond his years has stuck with me two years later.

It’s simple really, so this seagull is trying to steal your last chip with curry sauce. Simply stare directly at the seagull and proclaim the following..

‘We’re not fish we’re people’

Problem solved, you’re welcome..

Pastures new..

When I was a kid I never thought about where my stuff came from, I always had what was needed for another day at school.

I never realised how quick I grew out of my mottle grey trousers and velcro shoes. Everytime I fell over in the playground playing football against the year 7’s, thus ripping said mottle grey trousers I was promptly supplied with another pair by my mother that very same day, presumably from the secret stash she kept under the bed.

I never understood why maybe that ridiculously expensive Nike bag I wanted or Coke pencil case was cause for an argument, that’s what was ‘cool’ and I obviously needed it to make my way through the maze that is school without being stuffed in to a locker at lunch.

Now it’s time for the eldest to venture on to pastures new in September and embark on his own journey of wisdom. As we all know there’s a lot of uncertainty in the world at the minute but one thing is for sure, he’s going to need kitting out for this adventure.

Apparently hazmat suits are currently sold out in his size, fortunately the ornately monogrammed 2020 collection is not. A jumper, fleece and a couple of polos later and I’m all of a sudden glad the refund for the holiday has come through. Maybe I’ll have to dig out that Coke pencil case..

The only problem is at this rate he’ll have outgrown this haul by the time he’s allowed through the bloody gates..

A Lockdown Poem

A crisis, pandemic, a tear on the cheek.
A loved one, a grandparent, stay inside you’re too weak.
A child not yet one, not a care in the world.
One day you’ll be told of the chaos unfurled.
Soon you’ll meet our family again.
Until then my sweet child, we must stay inside our lockdown den.

3 became 4..

It’s been a while since I wrote anything and to be honest with the world as it is at the minute I haven’t felt like using my phone for anything other than mindlessly scrolling through the internet whilst I sit on the toilet and attempt to take a five minute break from the chaos.

That chaos quickly follows me in to the serene surroundings of the tiled walls as always. Our three year old bursts in looking for something to entertain himself with whilst Boris keeps us under lock and key.

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote and the three of us became four in late December. Our beautiful daughter arrived just in time to celebrate another exciting and food coma inducing Christmas. Our peaceful bundle of joy quickly learnt the hierarchy in the house and has preceded to spend the last 6 months lying, rolling and sitting in every position possible to enable her to follow her brothers every dizzying move.

I think all parents have found a new appreciation for nurseries and schools during this time and we are no different. Fortunately the endless online ordering of ridiculous items (mainly by myself) to keep us entertained also gave us an unlimited supply of cardboard and packaging to erect Pontypandy highstreet, albeit with a few arguments and heated discussions with my son over the structural integrity and characteristics of the stone built buildings, soon to be the scene of Norman Price’s next escapade.

Parks were closed, easy I thought I’ll just buy a swing and slide. Three weeks later and having enlisted mummy to check argos stock everyday at the five o’clock bottle feed we rose with elation when we discovered both golden eggs were in stock. Having navigated the new world shopping experience I felt slightly guilty emerging from the shop with a six foot slide precariously balancing in my trolley whilst people joined the back of the three mile queue snaking around the Sainsbury’s car park.

Safe to say the swing and slide have been used a mere handful of times. I guess being stuck in the garden on even the nicest of days can’t replace the excitement of pulling up to the all encompassing fantasy world of the local park.

The journey continues during this strange and scary world, I only hope that children everywhere find the love and attention they need, even if it falls in the form of your little sister slobbering all over your nose whilst you try to eat your sixth kinder egg bribe of the day..

Peppa.

A recent trip to Peppa pig world saw myself, mummy, nanny and grandad exploring the world of Peppa and co.

If you’ve ever been sat at 6 o’clock on a Saturday morning watching Peppa as your three year old throws cornflakes at his face in the hope some will land in his mouth, only to wish you could emerse yourself in the world of Peppa then this is undoubtedly the place. Wether it’s the dangerous thrill of grandpa pigs boat or the dizzy heights of windy castle even I was still wanting more by the end of the day.

As we arrived the initial disappointment of having to park in a large flat car park and not on a 45 degree hill was soon forgotten as we saw the enormity of the toy shop walking through the doors. It’s how I imagined a toy shop would look if I was to go back to my childhood, the sort of place I would love to do a supermarket sweep around..

A short pleasant walk through some forested area saw us arrive at Peppa World.. The excitement tangeable with every child in sight dragging their parents already tired and weary bodies closer to this unexplored land. As we walked through the gates to wonderland the first thing that popped into my head was how well kept and clean the place was, this considering every day an army of unruly small people descend on the place with no care for the inch perfect grass or perfectly manicured topiary bushes, I can only imagine their brains whirling at 100 mph in a frantic decision of which ride to try and stand up on next.

The benefit of having nanny and grandad with us, despite the fact that they are Fred’s favourite people in the world is that it meant my knees could occasionally have a rest from being rammed against the dashboard of one vehicle or another. So grandad drove the cars and nanny rode the dinosaurs, and then they took Fred for a go with them as well. To see the joy on his face is what places like this are made for.

Now Fred has never been one for sitting still whilst you try and get a nice picture but for some reason after walking past the photo house he had set his mind on having a studio day. Eventually whilst the others explored we snuck off to get his headshots taken, after spending five minutes deciding the exact setting for this shoot he sat his little bum down on some steps Infront of the green screen. And that was that, he just sat there with a big grin on his face and within a couple of minutes we had a lovely photo of Fred driving grandpa pigs train grinning like a Cheshire cat.

If you fancy a break from the rides even the playground doesn’t disappoint. A hilly mix of slides and tunnels with everything a child could wish for. Fred however chose to ignore all of this expensively purpose built childrens activity equipment and opted for the rather large astro turf hill by a slide. A decision we would later learn resulted in an astro turf burn on his belly from his unusual approach to descending the mountain. A scar to remember at least.

After emptying a pocket full of coins into the rapids and saying a quick hello to Peppa and George it was time to go, all in all a fantastic day and thanks to my beautiful girlfriend I now have a new favourite pair of daddy pig socks..

Lost your balls daddy?

Having a three year old I’ve become accustomed to dealing with a rough nights sleep or poo on the carpet but one thing I’m still not used to is their undeniable ability to consistently, albeit accidently find and hit your testicles.

Every time Fred climbs over me he finds his heel dug into my crown jewels, my reaction immediately telling him he’s hit the target as he grins and informs me yet again it is my balls crushed underneath his size six feet by exclaiming ‘that your balls daddy?’

Even affection sometimes comes in the form of a ball bashing as he sprints headfirst to give me a cuddle and his skull crashes into my gonads, leaving mummy in stitches and me feeling like I might need them.

Once when he was still a little nipper and biting everything in sight a normal day at home turned disastrous as he found me gracefully sat man spreading on the sofa and immediately ran to bite my crotch, obviously completely unaware of the dire consequences and that daddy would spend the next ten minutes writhing on the floor like a wounded seal.

In fact this unfortunate circumstance has happened so often that one day he decided action must be taken! ‘Where’s your balls daddy, you’ve lost your balls’ he quipped. Seconds later and with my lost and found posters at the ready Freddie kindly informed me that the only person to help with this atrocity was in the form of Thomas the tank engines good friend Percy. A half hour phonecall followed as I was passed from Percy onto Annie and Clarabel, eventually only to find out that in fact Gordon was the culprit after all and that mummy was very unimpressed by the scenario which had just unfolded in front of her.

Fortunately he’s still too young to understand all of this but one day I’m sure it will all be forgotten and my crown jewels will finally be free to live without fear..

Small steps big achievements

Everybody tells you it’s the big achievements in life that are important. Buying that first house, getting married, owning that expensive car. All of which I hope to one day achieve. However they don’t tell you about the little ones that mean just as much..

Wether it’s getting Fred to do three consecutive wees on the potty, spend a day without his nunu stuck in his mouth or brush his teeth by dancing around like an eighties pop star singing the brushy brushy song. These are the little steps that seem like huge accomplishments at the time. Soon to be forgotten when they become a regular thing but if you manage to combine a number of these in one day then you’ve hit the jackpot and can look forward to a good nights sleep ahead.

Sometimes I think we need to remind ourselves that one day the big achievements will come so why worry now. We’ve enough little steps to accomplish first..

Princess

Right now it’s hard to imagine what you’ll look like. Maybe a button nose like your mum or maybe those big eyes like your brother. One thing I do know now though is that the three of us love you more than anything.

You’re already your brothers best friend, mummys little girl and daddys princess. The thought of you growing up already scares me and your not even here yet.

I can’t wait to see your first yawn, hear your first cry, see the first time your brother tells you off for eating his toys.

It’s a bit of a crazy world out here but don’t worry your brothers got your back. We’re not used to having a little princess around so bear with us whilst we find our feet, then we’ll help you find yours.

See you soon princess..