Category toddler

Transfer Talk

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Almost a year since I last posted and to be honest not a lot has changed in the last year or so, the same for many of us though I guess. As far as the two bundles of joy in my life the changes are slightly more obvious than myself who is just slowly meandering through time.

My four year old is now a five year old and my one year old is now a two year old. I’ve always been quick with maths..

My 5 year old Fred is now almost as tall as his mum (give or take a couple of feet) and has found his early passion in life, said passion being football. Dusk till dawn you’ll find him playing, watching, drawing, breathing football. Now I’ve always been a football fan so this brings me immense pride and happiness but what I wasn’t ready for yet was the fact that his knowledge would far surpass mine before I even had time to acknowledge I needed to knuckle down and research.

To make matters worse his unwaivering desire to consume all things football has lit the touchpaper of what was a previously unknown football mum. Last night I caught the pair of them during intense discussions over the weeks transfer news.

‘Daddy did you know Martial has gone to Sevilla’.

‘No because I haven’t been invited into the inner sanctum of your transfer talk club!’

This being said I think it brings us all some common ground, are lives are now consumed by this magical sport and I for one am all for it.

Not to forget the little one who scutters around our feet as we attempt to recreate Christiano Ronaldo’s celebration, Nelly is now two and is developing her vocabulary which I can only presume she has learnt from a dictatorial book her mum has left lying around..

She’s a beautiful but bossy soul, although with everyone being consumed in the daily goings on of Jürgen Klopp and co I suppose somebody has to keep us on the straight and narrow..

Toddler sports

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Being a sports fan and having a toddler can be interesting at times.

I have extremely happy memories of paternity leave, not only because the greatest thing that had ever happened to me lay asleep on the sofa next to me, but it happened to coincide with the Euro 2016 finals (I couldn’t have planned it better). I have vivid memories of watching the Belgium v Italy game in the delivery room with mummy as she shouted obscenities in-between passes. Back home a few days later and now we could enjoy sitting down staring at our beautiful bundle of joy whilst the football set the soundtrack to his first few days in this big world. I can’t tell you the amount of baby videos I have with Lee Dixon waffling in the background.

Fast forward to the 2018 World cup semi finals and England vs Croatia. A tense affair to say the least and with mummy at work it was a lads night. 1-1 heading into the 72nd minute and all of a sudden Croatia thud the post, without thinking I scream ‘fuck’ at the top of my lungs. This mistake however led to Fred repeating it for the next 20 minutes as if it was the funniest thing his dad had ever said. Some explaining to do when mummy got home..

Freds first experience of golf saw the heroic efforts of Tiger Woods winning the USPGA, he didn’t seem to take too well to it at first, but as Tiger got closer to that green jacket and my blood pressure rose it culminated in half an hour of us synchronously screaming ‘come on Tiger’ at the tv. This along with Freddie urging every player to hit the ball in the water, clearly he’d enjoy watching his dad play..

Being avid F1 fans it was only normal for mummy to ask me with all my wisdom to guess the order of the grid for Sundays showdown at Silverstone. This however quickly descended into a game of pronounce the funny names and giggle at the results. A highly amusing game providing a solid ten minutes of humour until we made the grave error of trying to predict the grid position of Alfa Romeo driver Antonio Giovinazzi. Lets just say I won’t be asking him to say that again for a while..

Who knows maybe one day we’ll see England win the world cup and even mummy will be shouting fuck.. until then we have many more sports to conquer and I for one can’t wait.

What if..

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What if, a thought that plagues many people on a daily basis,

What if the world really is flat?
What if there is life on Mars?
What if I won the lottery?

At the minute my what ifs are a little bit more mundane..

What if Mayor Humdinger wasn’t the mayor of foggy bottom? Would Ryder and the pups have a sense of unfulfilled purpose chasing their tails everyday in the hope that another meteor crashes into adventure bay.

What if Norman didn’t live in Pontypandy? There would most certainly be job cuts in the fire department and the hero next door wouldn’t seem as much of a stand out star would he.

What if Paddington had smuggled himself into Waterloo station instead? Waterloo bear just doesn’t seem to sit right does it.

What if Mr tumble moved in next door? I mean I like where we live but I’m sure there’s plenty of good schools in other counties.. or countries.

And finally what if Uncle John and Wendy didn’t have a YouTube channel? Oh what a pleasant thought..

Living with Bradley Walsh

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Now I’m a big fan of Bradley Walsh don’t get me wrong, and I’m partial to a bit of the chase myself.

However living with a four year old Bradley walsh can at times become unbearable.

This all started a couple of years ago, our two year old for some unknown reason (strong suspicions it was grandad) became obsessed with the chase. Everyday, every minute you would hear dunsadun dunsadun dunsa dunsa dun dun hello welcome to the chase.. chance win a thousand pounds..

Sometimes I can still hear it when I close my eyes at night.

Anyway this lasted for a good few months and slowly petered out, after the wrap party was finished we thought that phase of our lives was now over.

That was until recently, now I don’t know why this has happened or what we have done to deserve this, I can only imagine he has been so bored out of his mind at home that he has taken it upon himself to become the family entertainer, but nonetheless we have seen the return of Bradley.

This time however we have Bradley 2.0, a much more sophisticated and eloquent version who now pronounces most words correctly and understands the format of his own show. And to our joyous surprise not only do we have Bradley but also Ben Shephard living under our roof. Yes that’s right quiz fans tipping point is now also a firm favourite (tenable did have a look in but fortunately for us didn’t make the grade).

What makes it all worse is that I am no longer even allowed to be a contestant, the iPad has taken over these duties as he meticulously selects the right moment to pause the video on the four contestants up for slaughter on todays show. He’s even made his own stand for authenticity to ensure the visage is not ruined for us.

So that’s it, Dunsa dun is well and truly back and doesnt look like it’s going anywhere in a hurry.

I guess all that’s left to say really is if somehow my 16th follower ends up being you Bradley Walsh, watch your back because I know a very charming and handsome adversary who is gunning for the ITV teatime slot..

A Childs Mind

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Today I think I’ll play with fireman Sam
But whats for breakfast? Oh look some carpet ham
I’m sure mummy will try to make me eat toast
Hang on, did you hear that it must be the post
Wait a minute there’s Ryder with chase and the crew
Quick everybody move i need the loo
I hope mummies got more of that ham that I crave
Hey daddy tonight in the bath I want a super big wave
Now let’s just watch a video or two
Whilst I trample all over this giant shoe
Wait what was that a buzzy bee I think
Hold on, where did I leave my drink?

Oh yeah I forgot I was playing fireman Sam, I’ll get right back to it after I’ve got me some ham..

3 became 4..

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It’s been a while since I wrote anything and to be honest with the world as it is at the minute I haven’t felt like using my phone for anything other than mindlessly scrolling through the internet whilst I sit on the toilet and attempt to take a five minute break from the chaos.

That chaos quickly follows me in to the serene surroundings of the tiled walls as always. Our three year old bursts in looking for something to entertain himself with whilst Boris keeps us under lock and key.

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote and the three of us became four in late December. Our beautiful daughter arrived just in time to celebrate another exciting and food coma inducing Christmas. Our peaceful bundle of joy quickly learnt the hierarchy in the house and has preceded to spend the last 6 months lying, rolling and sitting in every position possible to enable her to follow her brothers every dizzying move.

I think all parents have found a new appreciation for nurseries and schools during this time and we are no different. Fortunately the endless online ordering of ridiculous items (mainly by myself) to keep us entertained also gave us an unlimited supply of cardboard and packaging to erect Pontypandy highstreet, albeit with a few arguments and heated discussions with my son over the structural integrity and characteristics of the stone built buildings, soon to be the scene of Norman Price’s next escapade.

Parks were closed, easy I thought I’ll just buy a swing and slide. Three weeks later and having enlisted mummy to check argos stock everyday at the five o’clock bottle feed we rose with elation when we discovered both golden eggs were in stock. Having navigated the new world shopping experience I felt slightly guilty emerging from the shop with a six foot slide precariously balancing in my trolley whilst people joined the back of the three mile queue snaking around the Sainsbury’s car park.

Safe to say the swing and slide have been used a mere handful of times. I guess being stuck in the garden on even the nicest of days can’t replace the excitement of pulling up to the all encompassing fantasy world of the local park.

The journey continues during this strange and scary world, I only hope that children everywhere find the love and attention they need, even if it falls in the form of your little sister slobbering all over your nose whilst you try to eat your sixth kinder egg bribe of the day..